A Mother and her Son – a special and critical bond
There is an enduring tenderness in the life of a mother to a son that transcends all other affections of the heart. - Washington Irving
Mothers have an enormous psychological power in the life of their sons.
The emotional bond a man has with his mother is likely to be the most deeply rooted connection in his life. If a boy doesn't have that kind of relationship with her (or a similar female figure), he can suffer a devastating loss.
When there is a relationship based on respect and healthy communication, everything changes. Your son will not be looking to you to rescue him and will start finding ways to deal sensibly with his own problems. While he may not tell you everything, he will know that you are there when he really needs you, and that you are someone he can turn to and trust. (Rubenstein)
It can be helpful to see the relationship between a son and his mother in the following terms.
The son is the explorer, and his mother is the home base emotionally. As he explores, he carries the safety and familiarity of his mother with him. As he grows, he must be able to leave his mother without losing her completely and return to her without losing himself.
The classic children's story, ‘The Runaway Bunny’ by Margaret Wise Brown celebrates the dance of separation and connection between a young bunny and his mother as they play verbal hide and seek. He threatens that he will run away from her, and she will never find him. He will become something else entirely - a mountain, a flower, a sailboat, a bird or a trout. Each time his mother meets his fanciful vision with her own image of reassuring presence. If he becomes a mountain she will visit him as a mountain climber, if he is a trout she will be a fisherman, if he becomes a flower she will become a gardener, if he becomes a bird and flies away from her, she says, “I will be a tree that you can come home to”.
As a boy grows from a ‘helpless baby’ to a teenager, your parenting style must adjust. To begin with, you're the boss, providing constant supervision in the primary school years. You teach, observe and set limits, monitoring activities for dangers or a lack of balance. This includes setting limits on TV viewing and computer time, regulating exercise and providing opportunities for social interaction. Later you are a consultant and friend. As your son makes his own way, he is gradually allowed more responsibility and freedom. It's all in the timing. (Biddulph p107)
It can be a fine line between constructive advocacy and destructive micromanagement of a boy's life. Boys need the opportunity to learn about the world in non-lethal ways. To build resilience, confidence and resistance to anxiety, they need to learn to stand on their own and experience failure in a reasonably safe setting. In most ways, as they get older, it's better to let a boy fall on his face and learn about consequences, than to continue to arrange for success and leave him unprepared to be responsible for himself, as he moves into adulthood.
Mother's often underestimate the value of the emotional support they provide by simply listening, sharing the emotional burden a son carries, expressing confidence in him and supporting him as he takes action to solve his own problems. This routine emotional connection, in whatever form it takes, allows a mother access to her son for direct conversation about more serious issues when they arise. (Rubenstein)
Like many other aspects of mothering, physical closeness remains important throughout a boy's life. It may look different for a five-year-old than it does for a 15-year-old. However, the message of a loving connection remains the same and there is no downside to this message. Physical affection, when it respects the boy’s comfort level, carries no hidden dangers. (Rubenstein)
As a boy moves through the emotional turbulence of adolescence, his mother uses her connection to help her son feel loved and respected. Then she can expand his understanding, and help him see further, deeper or in a new way, so that he can make more informed choices.
“Mothers hold their children’s hands for a short while, but their hearts forever.” —Unknown
“A mother is clothed with strength and dignity, laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks her words are wise and she gives instructions with kindness.” — Proverbs 31
I hope that all our mums have a very special Mother’s Day this weekend. Thank you (on behalf of the boys) for your wisdom, unconditional love and selflessness in motherhood!
Peter Grimes |Headmaster
References:
Dr Arne Rubenstein (2017) ‘The Making of Men - Raising boys to be happy, healthy and successful’.
Steve Biddulph (2018) ‘Raising Boys in the 21st Century’.
