Disappointment - a practice lap for adulthood
Prior to our Junior Primary and Senior Primary Athletics Carnivals, I spoke with our boys about opportunities they would have during the carnivals to draw on and exhibit our School values. Opportunities such as respecting themselves and their house by giving their best, and courage when results didn’t go their way. On both days, I was extremely proud of our boys.
As we discussed, things might not go the way they had planned. For some, this became a reality. Some boys had hoped to run faster, jump higher, or throw further. At times there were disappointed faces and even a few tears. However, all boys who experienced adversity bounced back quickly.
Adolescent psychologist, author and speaker, Michael Carr-Gregg recently expressed concern over what he perceives as a growing reluctance (among parents and society at large) to allow children to experience and learn from disappointment. Instead, we often rush to shield them, to smooth the path, and to rescue them at the first sign of distress. In doing so, we rob them of one of life’s most important teachers.
Disappointment, far from being an enemy, is a practice lap for adulthood – a necessary training ground where young people develop the resilience, perspective, and coping skills that will serve them throughout their lives.
When we allow young people to encounter disappointment, we give them the opportunity to process and label emotions. This emotional literacy is a cornerstone of mental health.
Each setback, when navigated with support rather than avoidance, becomes a stepping stone towards greater resilience (the capacity to face, overcome and be strengthened by adversity). Something which will be called upon repeatedly in adult life.
Success is not final. Failure is not fatal. It’s the courage to continue that counts. Winston Churchill
Disappointment teaches young people that setbacks are not the end of the world. It encourages them to step back, assess situations objectively, and reframe negative experiences in a constructive light. Learning to manage disappointment without immediate adult intervention fosters autonomy and problem-solving skills – qualities essential for successful adulthood.
Overprotection can have significant negative implications. When children are not allowed to fail, they do not learn that failure is survivable. When every setback is cushioned, they miss the chance to develop the grit and tenacity that adulthood demands.
Michael Carr-Gregg offers the following advice:
- Resist the urge to immediately fix the problem.
- Step back and allow your child time to process their feelings and find the words to express them.
- Help them assess the situation objectively. A reality check gets them to evaluate whether it is really as bad as it seems.
- Don’t let disappointment fester into resentment or anxiety. Encourage constructive reflection rather than rumination.
- Do talk about it when they are ready, as encouraging expression can help young people process disappointment in a healthy way.
- Discuss strategies to cope with disappointment such as deep breathing and positive self-talk, which help manage the physiological response to disappointment, keeping young people in “thinking mode” rather than “reaction mode”.
‘Adulthood is not a series of uninterrupted triumphs. It is, more often, a journey marked by challenges, setbacks, and the need for adaptation.’
By allowing our children to experience and learn from disappointment, we are not being cruel – we are preparing them for reality. We are teaching them that randomness and chaos happen in the universe, that life can be tough, that things can go wrong, and that what matters most is how we respond.
As parents, caregivers and teachers, our role is not to eliminate disappointment but to walk alongside our young people as they navigate it. We must model resilience, encourage positive thinking, and provide the support they need to emerge stronger from each setback.
If we can teach them to greet disappointment not with fear or avoidance but with courage and curiosity, we will have given them a gift far greater than any fleeting victory.
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
2 Timothy 1:7
Peter Grimes | Headmaster
Reference:
Adulthood is chock-full of disappointment. Our kids need to face the truth - Dr Michael Carr-Gregg - SMH June 2025
Dr Michael Carr-Gregg is one of Australia's highest profile child and adolescent psychologists, a well-respected speaker, writer of 14 books on mental health, and leading authority on parenting and young people.
